Running out of chances
In the back of my head, the idea that we all have only three loves in our lifetime has always permeated my thoughts. Maybe, it was hearsay, or maybe it was some truth. Up until a few years ago, I had only truly deeply loved two individuals.
My first love, was my college sweetheart, and that episode lasted for well over 10 years. There were break-ups, dishonesty from both parties, and the inability to never get on the same page. How it lasted so long, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe our stubbornness that couldn’t accept failure as an option, or the events that we shared together that were essential to our development as adults. We created a child together, and for that I am forever grateful, but the fire that created that child never was able to sustain us. Our ambition and success dragged the relationship out, because how could two talented people with sense fail so bad?
My second love was not after, or before my first, but at a time when we were not together. This person filled my spirit up with happiness and completion. I had never felt safer in a relationship, but I alone caused this one to fail. See, I was never in tune with her insecurity about my first love. She had never been in any serious relationships, and probably couldn’t grasp why I chose her over the first. I also didn’t clearly express to her how much I loved her or was willing to sacrifice for our future. I learned that my frustration with her insecurities and my habit of casting them off as silly, led to her to leave. So, when she left for good, it was too late. I didn’t cheat or even have a wandering eye, I just failed to have a beat on what her spirit needed from me. That love left me reeling and gasping for air. I thought I could not love a soul even more than that. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I was wrong.
My last love…she was on fire for me. She saw in me what I had blocked from seeing for myself because of all the things happening around me. I met her, and didn’t keep it honest with her for a long time. Holding the truth of a failed marriage I was still in, but separated from. Holding the truth of a child conceived in this failed marriage, initially. The failed marriage was from my first love and that was complicated. I had married my first love after my second love breaking up with me. Thinking wrongly, that I could instill the greatness of my second love into my first. Yes, messy, yes, all my fault. I was chasing what I really needed in something I knew I couldn’t have. When my emotional ties to my marriage was severed, I met Triple Trouble…that third love. She was a bit younger, super smart, and fiery. The mix of street and intelligent that I needed. She was my everything, but I could never communicate that with her. I had the burden of my past loves that made me unsure of this one. I wanted to give her the moon, but afraid that we would fail or that she would go off in the sunset. At each junction in the road, where a major decision for us was to be made…I hesitated, I blinked, I gasped for air. Could I take this leap and be ok?
Where I was risky with my first two, I was scared to jump in my third. She loved me with all her heart and I blinked when she needed me the most. The last time I blinked and opened my eyes, she was gone. Is she gone for good? I don’t know. But the thought of her gone has made breathing hurt, has made warm showers cold, and tears feel like glass coming down my face.
So, I am running out of chances. My reflection to myself is to never let fear run my life, run my love, and hamper me from pursuing happiness. I caused my pain because I didn’t learn lessons fast enough, change my damaging behaviors, and failed to embrace life’s obstacles by blinking. I will fix it, because never again will I let the person I love down. If I keep doing the same thing, I will definitely run out of chances of being with the person I am meant to be with.